So a little insight into me--I love the tv show SCRUBS. I think it is hilarious, a completely unrealistic, realistic show allowing characters to say and do what I feeling like doing but would be socially outcast if I did. So last night we were watching a rerun about dealing with the 5 stages of grief and I decided that I am smack in the middle of the 5 stages of "dealing-with-my-life-as-I-currently-know-it" and the lack of control I have over ANYTHING! The first few stages are easy to come by: I have been angry--A LOT--when Ryan wakes up for no reason at night, multiple times, and I am getting less sleep now than when he was a new born! I have thrown tantrums at 1pm when he refuses to take naps but have pulled my hair out at 4am when he decides he is up and ready for the day. What 2 year old does that? I have been in denial about my ever expanding belly, hips, thighs (among other things!) even going as far as to purposefully wear clothing that would simply help me look "chubby" instead of pregnant so as to avoid conversation about it. (yes this child was planned and we are very happy for he/she to join us but believe me people, talking about and going through #3 is much different than the thrill of child #1 or even #2--not bad, just different.) I just want to SCREAM at the cosmos that I have paid my 9 month "dues" with Jason and Ryan and haven't I earned the right to just be handed #3 and not have to deal with all this other CRAP? Which leads perfectly into the bargaining stage--it pretty much sounds like I'm willing to make just about any kind of deal in order to get out of the next 6 months of life! Now, depression is an interesting one. I don't really do the depression thing--unless something incredibly tragic happens, I just don't see it coming--I'm much more prone to the anger/denial/bargaining stages, they come so naturally to me-ha ha (I think that should worry me but it doesn't, I fully embrace it!). And so, last but certainly not least brings me to where I am at now, acceptance. I cannot control where we will be living in the next 2 months--here in Kingman or Las Vegas. I cannot control that I'd REALLY like to buy a house where ever it is that we land but I don't know where that is, when that will happen, not to mention the fact that settling down for the next several years in either of those 2 locations was never in my game plan. But, AGAIN, I have NO CONTROL and I am accepting that. Also, I accept the fact that I don't do my makeup everyday like I used to--I'm lucky to get in 2 days a week--Sundays and the other day I brave life outside my house to run necessary errands. I accept the fact that I only have 2 pair of pants that fit me: 1-my favorite fleece lounge pants that look more like pjs than something I should be wearing to the supermarket and 2-the pair of jeans I bought after Ryan was born that were 3 sizes too big but I refused to wear maternity pants when I was no longer pregnant--and they don't zip up anymore! I accept the fact that my house is a disaster and I'm constantly fighting to chase after my kids (especially Ryan who is the ANGEL OF DESTRUCTION) in order to maintain any semblance of organization at all. And last but not least, I accept that Scott has not eaten a hot breakfast in nearly 3 months, is living off a steady diet of apples, granola bars and slim fast shakes because the thought of getting out of bed and facing the day before 7:30am makes me want to bury my head in the ever abundant DIRT of Kingman, Arizona!
Wow--although there is so much more...I'll spare you and just say that if you hear from me, see me, get a text in the next 6 months--feel lucky because that is more than most will be able to say. I accept my non-controllable-life-as-I-know-it and simply say bring it on. I can't guarantee that I'll do anything about what comes, but I accept it nonetheless. AHHHH!
5 comments:
Let the bells of truth ring free! I hear ya sista. Who said newborns are the hard ones? I say try a 4 year-old. As far as the house thing--I lost control the moment we moved to Vegas. But, we love you and know in the end Vegas is where your heart belongs :)
well, i agree with Jaime that you should definitely come back to vegas! lets hope! i'm thinking that if your boys grow up with my girls maybe we can get an arranged marriage going! also--i myself have thrown the tantrum when my babies have been up at night, and i was never so sick or depressed and overwhelmed as with pregnancy #3, so hang in there!" there is no motherhood trial taken you but such as is common to man!"(my made up favorite scripture!) you're doing better than you think!
Ahhh, the fresh air of honesty! Life is soooo frustrating (especially when you're pregnant and your other kid is having a sleep strike!). It certainly is good at handing you the unexpected. Hope things resolve themselves (at least somewhat) this next few months. That uncertainty is SO ROUGH!!! Love you!
Natalie! I think that you need to call me! Reading this post is like reading the story of my life!! Oh dear sister, it is so great to have someone who understands. Being pregnant, stinks. There, I said it. If it makes you feel any better, my family hasn't had a hot breakfast, lunch or dinner in three months unless it came from Pizza Hut or McDonalds. So there you go. Lets get through this next six months together! Hopefully we can do it without any antidepressants!!! Ha!
I have always loved your writing style. I remember now just how we did so well in high school theatre, you are one darn talented writer. Love ya Nat, you are an awesome woman. Miss you and hope to see you soon. :)
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